Search Results for: birth plan

There is a very blurry line between miscarriage and stillbirth. A stillbirth is a birth of a deceased baby after 20 to 24 weeks gestation (varies by country). The miscarriage of babies at the end of the first trimester and into the second trimester closely resembles labor and delivery and thus stillbirth. In addition, much of the information on this site about miscarriage is also applicable to stillbirth. However, there are some differences.

The death of a baby in utero will often be the start of a many events in quick succession. There may not be much, if any, time between learning of the baby’s death and the admission to the hospital to be induced. There is likely no time to research or ask many questions, let alone think and start to face the grief of losing a child. Many parents are still in a state of shock as they begin to process their situation.

This page is a compilation of items women have shared who have been through a stillbirth and would like to help others who are facing the same tragedy. If you are reading this because you have lost your baby and you are looking at labor and delivery soon, please know we are praying for you and we hope this information is helpful to you.

• Labor and Delivery
• Time with Your Baby and After
• The Following Days
• Important Things to Know

Labor and Delivery

Keep all of your original labor plans the same, or as close as possible. If you had a doula or another kind of labor support, still ask them to come. Labor and delivery will be physically just as hard (if not more difficult due to induction), and emotionally even harder, than you had been planning. You will need all the support you can get as you labor.

This is not the time to play “hero”; some people choose to do a natural birth for their own reasons (such as offering up the suffering), while others opt for medical pain relief. Either way, it is not going to affect your baby and you should do what you feel most comfortable with at the time. Don’t feel bad about changing your mind, and definitely don’t beat yourself up for a decision you made in likely some of the most agonizing moments of your life.

Labor will likely be overwhelming. If possible, ask that no one discuss anything unrelated to the labor (especially funeral arrangements) while you are laboring. If you are able to plan ahead, consider having someone other than yourself or the baby’s father be in charge of answering other questions until after delivery.

Back to top

Time with Your Baby and After

Snuggle, sing, kiss, and talk to him or her.

Breathe. Take the time that you need to look at all of your baby’s features and every tiny part of his or her body, including his or her eyes.

Make an agreement to talk freely with your spouse or partner; for instance, “Is it okay if I put this outfit on her?” Don’t assume it will bother them because you may be wrong, and you will never have another chance to see your baby like this.

Have Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep take pictures.

If possible, have time with only you and your spouse or partner and the baby, with no one else around. Have older siblings brought in later to meet the baby and take pictures, if that’s something you’d like to do.

Have footprints made. Use these, as well as any photos, ultrasounds, clothes, etc. to make a memory book.

Turn off your phone or other electronic devices and focus on your baby.

Bring items with you for photos with your little one, such as a teddy bear, blanket, hat, etc. That item will be so special later.

Ask to be moved, if possible, to a non-postpartum woman’s floor. It can be very painful to hear the cries of babies down the hall while in the labor and delivery area.

Back to top

The Following Days

Send pictures and birth/death announcements to friends and family.

When having a funeral, spend time making sure things are the way that you want them and don’t be afraid to be an advocate for yourself and your family.

Invite anyone you want to attend the funeral. You can keep it small or invite a larger number of people. Remember that many people will likely want to share your grief and pray for your family and your child.

Back to top

Important Things to Know

Depending on the time between the baby’s death and his or her birth, the body may already be showing some signs of death. This can include peeling skin, blisters, and bruises. The skin may also be a bit soft or sticky, but this can also be affected by how premature they were. Many of these signs will worsen quickly after delivery.

Kids, whether yours or friends’, can be confused by the death of the baby and may ask some blunt questions. If you do not want to talk about it at that moment, it is completely okay to tell the child that and explain that you are feeling sad. Do what you need to do.

You are still postpartum and going through the same recovery process as any other mother, even if you did not bring your baby home. You will still have the typical hormonal changes and mood swings in addition to the physical changes, and all that in addition to the grief you are experiencing. Be generous with yourself and allow others to help in any way they offer. Please note: You are at a higher risk for postpartum depression if you have suffered the loss of a child. Please call your doctor immediately if you think you may have it. There is medical help available.

Drying up Milk: If you are uncomfortable and not sure what to do, the best thing would be to call your doctor or a local lactation consultant. To suppress lactation, lactation consultants often encourage pumping only when you feel uncomfortable, and just enough to relieve pressure from your breasts. It is usually helpful to have a lot of pressure on your chest to suppress letdown reflexes, and lining your bra with cabbage leaves, as well as drinking sage tea, is also thought to help with engorgement. Check this website for more ideas.

Donating Milk: Preterm milk is pumped from a mother whose baby is born before about 36 weeks. It is thought to be even more nutrient dense than regular breast milk because of the unique needs of preterm babies. Either way, breast milk can be very good for babies and can be purchased from milk banks by parents whose child is preterm or in the hospital for another reason. Often there is some reason the mother is not able to produce milk herself. You can choose to pump your milk and donate it to a milk bank. You will have to be screened for health problems before donating and there will likely be many requirements, but some mothers choose to do this as a way to honor their baby. It will likely be very emotionally painful at times, and it’s also important to keep in mind the normal restraints of pumping breast milk, such as medication restrictions and the added hassle of toting around the equipment wherever you go.

Whatever you decide in regards to your milk supply, your health is the most important. So if you are going to lose sleep and make life more difficult for yourself, please make sure you discuss your decision with others and pray that you choose what is best for you and your family.

Back to top

These questions and answers are solely related to your child’s body and how you should care for it immediately, if you plan to save the body for a burial. If you have a question that you would like to see here, please submit it using our contact form. 

• What can I do with my baby’s body if I deliver him or her at home?
• What can I do with my baby’s body if I deliver him or her at the hospital?
• Can I take pictures of my baby? What if he/she is disfigured?

What can I do with my baby’s body if I deliver him or her at home?

Try to keep the baby in a saline solution or water as much as possible until the burial. If the body starts to shrivel from loss of moisture, it should rehydrate after some time in a saline solution. You will need to keep the container in the refrigerator, although this is not recommended for more than several days.

Since the baby has been in his or her own waters since conception, his or her body tends to look more natural there. When in water, you can likely see more physical details (toes, fingers) than when out. Also, as the baby’s skeleton is still fairly soft, his body, especially his head, will flatten out over time unless supported by fluid.

Although keeping the body in fluid may not be practical with babies over a certain size, the deformation will then not be as much of an issue. However, do be aware that even 20 week babies’ heads are very malleable, and you can expect to see this phenomenon. If you can’t keep the baby in fluid, you still need to keep him or her in the refrigerator.

If you anticipate the burial will be delayed, the baby’s body may also be kept in the freezer. In this case, do not keep the baby in fluid.

Back to top

What can I do with my baby’s body if I deliver him or her at the hospital?

If you have a moment ahead of time, it can be very helpful to have a birth plan written up explaining that you want your baby’s remains, with copies for your doctor and the hospital staff. Discuss your preferences as soon as possible with them.

If you give birth at a hospital, make sure you tell the staff (ahead of time if possible) that you want to take the baby home. Sadly, some hospitals treat younger gestation babies as medical waste and will dispose of them accordingly unless you request otherwise. Older gestation babies (the age will vary, but starting at around 18-20 weeks) are usually kept in the hospital morgue and are easy to request for burial. Even if you requested genetic testing, you should still be able to come back to the hospital to retrieve the baby.

If you have a D&C, do tell them ahead of time that you will be wanting to take the baby home. It is required that any tissue the doctor removes during a D&C be sent to pathology so that everything can be identified. This is to avoid a situation in which something (like the placenta) is left behind, although this is not very likely. You will still be able to go to the hospital lab in a day or so (varies with hospital) to pick up your baby. He or she will most likely be in a specimen cup. It is NOT recommended to try to open the cup and go through it. You will not have an intact body and it can be very disturbing. You can still bury the cup in a casket and/or wrapped in some fabric.

If you have surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy, you can also request the body. As with the D&C, everything will be sent to pathology, but you should still be able to come and pick up the baby. It is best to request this ahead of time (although even if you don’t request beforehand, you should still be able to retrieve the baby as long as you request this soon afterward).

PLEASE NOTE: Some facilities will refuse to release the remains of your baby after a D&C, surgery or natural miscarriage, or will only release them to a funeral director. Be prepared to be very aggressive if confronted with this problem and speak to whomever needed. We have been hearing that this is beginning to get easier, and also that Catholic hospitals in general are better at meeting your needs in this case.

Back to top

Can I take pictures of my baby? What if he/she is disfigured?

The worry that the baby will be disfigured and somehow “frightening” or “horrifying” is a common one. It’s true that sometimes babies will exhibit a physical abnormality. Most will not. If the baby departed quite a while before being born, he may show signs of this including fluid collections under the skin, lightly peeling skin or softening.

It is up to you to decide if you are comfortable taking pictures; many people do not. Keep in mind that over time, you may wish you had more pictures because memories fade and you may want to remember the baby as he or she was. If you do take photos, try to include the entire body for at least one picture, even if there are disfigurations. You can always throw away or delete the photo later, but you will not have another chance to take more photographs.

A few options and hints for photographing your baby:

• Take a few pictures that focus on details such as hands, feet, or ears.
• Wrap the baby in a bit of cloth and take pictures of him or her that way.
• Take pictures of his or her hands on top of a blanket or your own fingers.
• Place your wedding ring around his or her ankle.
• Take pictures under different lighting: daylight, lamplight, dim, bright, etc. We suggest not using the flash especially if you are photographing a very young baby, as their skin is very smooth and will be wet and reflects the light in a very distracting way. Instead of using a flash, adjust the ambient lighting.
• Later you can change some of the photos to black and white. This is a good way to disguise the non-pinkness of the skin. You can also fuzz the edges of the photo to really focus on a detail. Drawings can be made from these photographs and artists who do this are skilled at glossing over minor defects.

Beautiful photographs can be taken of any baby. Even if your baby is very tiny and has deformities, you can photograph them. If this is something you feel that you really aren’t up to, ask someone else to do it for you. If you are delivering a baby over 25 weeks, a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer will come to the hospital to photograph the baby free of charge.

Remember: no one will be judging these photographs later, so take any photos you like. Take more photographs than you think you ‘need’. These are the only photographs you will have.

Back to top

When you head to the hospital to deliver a baby you know has already died, it will be like no other birth you may have experienced. Your anxiety level will likely be very high, while all the excitement from a normal birth is gone and grief has taken its place. You may not be sure what to pack and you probably don’t know what to expect while at the hospital. In all honesty, you may not be thinking very clearly. We hope the information below can help you prepare yourself for what will is already an overwhelming experience.

• What to Pack
• The Birth Plan
• Admission Process and Consent Forms
• What if things don’t go the way I planned?
• I was treated terribly. What do I do now?
• I was treated wonderfully. What do I do now?

*For a great example of someone who has experienced a miscarriage within a hospital, as well as helpful suggestions, see How to Bury Your Baby After a Miscarriage. 

What to Pack

• Birth plan (see below)
• Comfort items for labor (warm socks, pillows, lotion, etc.)
• Clothes to wear home (taking into account your possibly different profile)
• Camera, memory card, extra batteries
• List of people to call if you plan on doing so
• Items for the baby: gowns or pouches depending on gestation, stuffed animal, blankets, any special things you want to photograph with the baby
• Music and the means to play it (CD player, MP3 player, IPod, etc.)
• Snacks for the person going with you (and you, if allowed to eat)
• Basket or other container to bring the baby home in (if you end up needing to put the baby in saline the hospital will probably be able to provide a container and saline)
• Cross, icons, rosary, other spiritual items
• Distractions: books, crosswords, needlework, etc.
• Folder to keep paperwork in
• The number to call for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (the hospital will probably have this but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared)

Back to top

The Birth Plan

Birth plans are very individual things, but here is a list of items for you to consider. Put on your plan what you do and don’t want to have happen. Obviously there may be some differences if you are delivering at 12 weeks versus 40; please let us know if you have any additions to make to this list.

Also, please keep in mind that things can change rapidly and you will have to keep an open mind when writing your birth plan. Making a copy for the hospital staff, as well as discussing it thoroughly with your significant other and the staff, can go a long way to making sure there aren’t any misunderstandings.

• Who you want in the room with you (significant others, visitors, how many nurses, etc.)
• What kind of pain relief you would like and when you would like it to be offered
• Who you want to answer questions (if you don’t feel up to talking much)
• What you want the atmosphere in the room to be (dark, quiet, light, music or no, etc.)
• If you want the baby taken away to be tested for anything, or if you want him or her left with you at all times
• If you would like to take photographs after the baby is born
• Who will cut the umbilical cord
• If you want to have the placenta tested for any reason
• Saving keepsakes, such as hand and footprints; hospital bracelet with name, weight, date of birth; and bassinet card
• How much you want the baby handled by others
• If you have anything you plan to wrap the baby in when he/she is born, or at a certain time afterwards
• What will happen to the baby following discharge (if before 20 weeks and sometimes later, you may be permitted to take the baby with you)
• Your religion and how that plays a role (i.e., “As Catholics we believe that life is sacred from the moment of conception and we will care reverently for this baby’s body after death.”)

You may also want to note at the end of your plan that if there are any problems, you would like the staff to discuss it with you (or someone you designate) before acting. Then be sure to thank them for their understanding and cooperation in birthing your baby.

Back to top

Admission Process and Consent Forms

Some of your requests, such as asking to keep the baby with you at all times, may be more difficult to coordinate than others when you are working with the hospital staff. You should be sure to discuss your plans with your doctor ahead of time, and if possible, call ahead to the correct department in your hospital and ask for their policies regarding your requests.

Admission procedures vary, but you are typically asked to sign the basic care consents at this time. Read each of them carefully; there will be one for you and for your baby(ies). You will want to pay close attention to the wording involving disposal of tissue, fluids, organs, etc., that may be removed, as well as any mention of testing the baby or body parts. Cross out anything to which you do not give consent. In the margin next to this, write a short explanation (for example, “The baby will not go to pathology or the morgue, will stay with the parents at all times, and will be released to home with the parents upon discharge.”) and your initials. Point out the changes to the person completing your intake. These consents will then go on your chart, and once everyone has signed them they are legally binding. Request a copy for yourself. Keep all of these papers in a single folder with your birth plan.

When you arrive in the correct department, point these consent changes out to your nurse. Give her your birth plan, go over it, and answer any questions. Make sure you are happy with the arrangements BEFORE you allow any procedures to start. You may want to do all of this while you still have your street clothes on, as it can be a lot harder to be assertive in a hospital gown. Be prepared to leave the hospital if you cannot come to an agreement or compromise you are content with. Remember that you are an advocate for yourself and for your child.

As you discuss your plans with the hospital staff, try your best to be pleasant. It helps to assume they will cooperate with you, and to know that the staff really does want to help you during this painful time. Having patience, as hard as it may be, and being firm in what you want will go a long way towards cooperation and understanding. If someone says, “That’s not our policy,” then ask to see the policy or to speak to a nursing supervisor. You can also ask for a patient advocate, as your hospital should have one to help you in situations like these.

Back to top

What if things don’t go the way I planned?

When you are writing your birth plan, keep in mind that very few hospital stays will go exactly as planned. Try to think of worst-case scenarios and what your wishes would be in those situations, and discuss these with the person who will be at the hospital with you. You can also write them into your birth plan, with a heading such as “in case of unexpected circumstances.” Some things you may want to consider:

• Can ultrasound photos be printed ahead of the induction so, if there is a necessary D&C, there are some photographs of my baby? What do I want done with the remains in this case?
• What if decisions have to be made while I am unconscious?

If things don’t go as you planned, remember that you tried your best and be thankful for the things that did go well. Focus on the positives of the experience, as no matter what, there will be plenty of grief without rethinking every choice you made along the way.

Back to top

I was treated terribly. What do I do now?

You will probably be very angry, which is to be expected. Unfortunately, there are places where patients are simply not treated with compassion. If you find yourself in a negative situation, speak up. Write a letter to the hospital administration. Speak to the patient advocacy department. Speak to your doctor. Try to do something so that another person may not have to suffer the same fate. Recovery from this kind of experience is difficult. Whatever you do, do not blame yourself for someone else treating you badly.

Back to top

I was treated wonderfully. What do I do now?

Again, write a letter to the hospital administration. Commend them for the positive things they did. Mention staff by name (this goes in their files). And be grateful you were with people who helped you through such a difficult time. Matushka Anna has an example of such a letter here, including a lovely response from the hospital.

Back to top

There are many, many ways to honor the memory of your child as you move forward, whether you had a funeral or memorial service or not. Each person will feel called to remember their child in his or her own way. Here we have a few ideas that may inspire you.

• Make a keepsake box.
• Wear a mothers’ necklace, ring, charm bracelet, etc. (with the child’s birthstone, or an engraving of their initials/name/date of birth/death). There are many places you can get these, one option is here.
• Make or buy a rosary with or without your child’s name on it
• Journal or blog about your pregnancy and the baby’s life and keep it out so others can see it or at least you can notice it from time to time
• Engrave a small plaque or box with the child’s name and date of the miscarriage
• A wall display or shadow box with icons of each child’s patron saint, or their names engraved on the back of something like a bible verse plaque.
• Statues or wall art that can be placed in visible locations as a memorial, such as this statue of a guardian angel holding a baby, this art with a quote from St. Zelie, a remembrance block specific to your child, or this image of Jesus holding a baby. There are many similar beautiful items on Etsy, and many are customizable if you would like to include (or not include) your child(ren)’s name(s).
• Attend (or start!) an annual, local Mass said for children lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.
• Purchase a personalized teddy bear.
• Include your child’s name in any litany of Saints you say, or simply request their prayers on a daily basis.
• Have your child’s name put in the Book of Life at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents in New York (and visit, if you are able!)
• Submit your child’s name and choose a flower for the online Garden of Remembrance, a place to honor and appreciate your child(ren) regardless of age or when your loss(es) happened.
• Frame ultrasound photos or footprints, if you were able to have either done.
• Make or buy a Christmas ornament. There are many on Etsy that are able to be customized; some have written “First Christmas with Jesus” or the baby’s name, dates, etc.
• Plant a flower garden in memory of your child. A headstone or plaque could also be placed there.
• There are a number of miscarriage-/loss-specific prayer cards, images, and more available at this site.

Pregnancy Dating

Conceptional Age: The length of time since conception.

Gestational Age: The typical term used to date a pregnancy, dating back to the first day of the mother’s last menstrual period, therefore including time (around two weeks) where the baby had not yet been conceived. For example, at six weeks gestation, the baby’s conceptional age is four weeks.

Types of Pregnancy Loss

Chemical Pregnancy or Early Pregnancy Loss: a miscarriage that occurs before five or six weeks gestation, when the baby was so small that there would have been no gestational sac seen on an ultrasound.

Blighted Ovum or Empty Sac: Conception occurs, but after implantation, the baby does not grow. The gestational sac develops and is able to be seen on ultrasound, but there is no sign of a baby inside the sac. This will only occur very early in pregnancy. Many times women are scheduled for additional ultrasounds because it is possible that the pregnancy is not as far along as thought and thus the baby is not yet visible on ultrasound. Often women are told that there “was never a baby.” This is not true; conception did occur and for some reason the baby just died early on, similar to a “Chemical Pregnancy” above.

Spontaneous Miscarriage (Spontaneous Abortion): A miscarriage that happens on its own, without medical intervention. This may result in a Complete Miscarriage (Complete Abortion) or an Incomplete Miscarriage (Incomplete Abortion). In the former, everything in the uterus is expelled, including placenta. In the latter the uterus is not fully emptied and usually medical intervention is necessary. Some data suggests that in pregnancies over 12 weeks the placenta is more likely to be retained. It is necessary to completely empty the uterus to avoid hemorrhage and infection. An incomplete miscarriage that results in infection is called a Septic Abortion. There is a risk that this can progress to a life-threatening condition called septicemia (“all over” infection).

Missed Miscarriage (Missed Abortion): The baby has died (or only a sac is seen) but the actual miscarriage has not yet begun. Many miscarriages are actually “missed” at some point, but the miscarriage process begins before this is detected. Waiting for miscarriage to begin on its own is considered a natural miscarriage (to be discussed more below).

Threatened Miscarriage: There are signs that a miscarriage may be in progress or may take place, but it is not certain. Some pregnancies progress normally after this diagnosis and some end in miscarriage. Sometimes (depending on gestation) women are put on bed rest at this point.

Ectopic Pregnancy (Tubal Pregnancy): The baby has implanted outside of the uterus, usually in one of the fallopian tubes. The fallopian tube is very small and not capable of distention past about 8 weeks (though there are always exceptions) with most ectopic pregnancies being detected by 6 weeks. Ectopic pregnancies are considered completely non-viable pregnancies, the continuing of which will endanger the life of the mother. If the tube ruptures, apart from severe pain, the woman may have heavy bleeding to the point of going into shock. More information on ectopic pregnancies, including the Church’s thoughts on their treatment, can be found in the medical and surgical sections below.

Molar Pregnancy: A sperm fertilizes an egg with no genetic material, causing growth of tissue that will create a pregnant-like state in your body. There is no baby present, but the loss of the thought of a baby is still not much different than a “normal” miscarriage. On ultrasound, the tissue often looks like a “cluster of grapes.” You will often be advised to have the tissue removed via vacuum aspiration (see “Surgical Management: D&C” below). This type of pregnancy can lead to trophoblastic disease, which can inhibit the growth of a new fetus and possibly (but rarely) lead to uterine cancer. Because of this, you are often recommended to avoid getting pregnant again for six months to one year, depending on your doctor. You can also expect to have your blood drawn regularly to be sure that your HCG goes back to normal (zero), which could take several months, much longer than after a non-molar pregnancy.

Partial Molar Pregnancy: Two sperm fertilize one egg, creating a baby with severe defects which will typically not allow him or her to survive past the first trimester. The placenta becomes the molar growth, as seen in a molar pregnancy. The management of the pregnancy should include monitoring until the baby is no longer alive. After all of the tissue is gone from the uterus (whether by natural miscarriage or a D&C), subsequent monitoring is the same as for a molar pregnancy, above.

Stillbirth: The delivery of an infant who died either in utero or during the process of birth. In Australia this is defined as 20 weeks gestation and beyond. In the UK, this is defined as 24 weeks and beyond. WHO defines this as 24 weeks and beyond. In the US, there doesn’t seem to be an “official” definition, but it is commonly assumed to be 20 weeks and beyond.

Whether you are currently in the process of a miscarriage or it happened months or years ago, most people eventually face one question: Why?

Why did God allow me to experience the hope of a new birth, only to be faced with death? Why would He ever want to cause us pain? Why does He allow me to suffer?

These are hard questions to ask and even harder ones to answer. Much of the meaning of suffering is still a mystery to us on earth, who are not able to fully comprehend God’s plan for the world, let along ourselves. In spite of this, below is an attempt at explaining what we do know about suffering and what our response can be in a time of grief.

Does God create evil and suffering?

In the beginning, everything that God created, including humans, was “very good” (Gen: 1:31). Suffering and death was never part of the original plan. However, God gave us free will so we could choose to love Him rather than be forced to do so. Through Adam and Eve’s disobedience, “human nature is weakened in its powers; subject to ignorance, suffering, and the domination of death; and inclined to sin” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 400).

God, who is all good, does not create evil. He does, however, allow suffering and evil in our lives, which often reveals to us our dependence on Him.

Is suffering a punishment?

The death of your child is in no way a punishment from God. You did nothing to deserve this suffering the same as Job did nothing to deserve his (see the Book of Job in the Bible, as well as an explanation in Pope John Paul II’s Apostolic Letter, below).

What is the purpose of suffering?

There are many reasons God allows us to suffer. When we see everything in this world as preparation for the next, we can see that God often uses suffering to help us in that formation for eternal life. When we are weakest, that is when we are most ready to grow in humility and surrender everything to the One who loves us. It is “to make us rely, not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:9). Remember that Christ died to give us salvation and eternal life; He didn’t die to save us from suffering here on earth. To put it another way, we are all called to be Christ-like, and often we think of this in terms of being humble, generous, and loving; but although Christ was all of those things, He also was willing to take on the sins of all humanity and to die in this life so that we may have life in heaven. We are called to be Christ-like in this way as well.

While it may feel like a paradox, suffering is truly an opportunity to come to love God more. It also makes us vulnerable enough to accept more graces, which can strengthen our courage to move forward and help us to remember not only what we’ve lost but what we’ve been given, and to give God the glory for all of it. As the Lord said to St. Gemma Galgani, He allows suffering “that souls may fasten their affections upon no one, but find all con­tent in Me alone. My daughter, if you do not feel the cross it cannot be called a cross. Be sure that under the cross you will not be lost. The demon has no strength against those souls who for My love groan under the cross.”

Finally, we are also called to participate in His work of redemption through our own suffering by offering it back to Him. Christ offered up Himself so that we might have eternal life (as well as our children!). We, too, are called to use our suffering for a good purpose. St. Paul says, “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of the body, that is the church . . . ” (Colossians 1:24). Through God’s grace, you are able to offer your suffering for your marriage, for your other or future children, or for any other intention you choose. You are uniting your suffering with Christ’s suffering on the cross, and in choosing this, our suffering becomes redemptive for the sake of others.

Can’t God help me?

As we talked about above, God uses suffering to lead you closer to Himself. He also most certainly helps you, if you choose to accept the graces that come with your suffering. You may not feel like He is near, but keep grieving, keep sharing your story, and most of all, keep praying. You may need to forgive God for your pain, or forgive others for insensitive comments, or forgive yourself for placing the blame (whether on you or someone else). If that’s the case, talk it out (or write it out) with God. Right now, you can choose a life of bitterness… or you can choose to allow yourself to be loved, and to know that you are not alone in your pain.

Eventually, you will begin to heal. You will get stronger, even if the pain of this suffering never fully leaves you. Please know that as you cry, God is with you. God is holding you. He is carrying you, and He is healing you. We are praying for you as well.

Our Highest Priority

No matter when you lost your child, one of the typical responses to God is anger. This is completely natural. But while you may be angry at God, you can also begin to talk to Him more and ask for peace, hope, and guidance in this time of trial. Find ways to grieve that are beneficial to your spiritual life and which will make you into a better person; this can be the legacy of your child’s life. God truly is all-knowing and all-loving, and His deepest desire is to have you join Him forever.

If you are Catholic, your highest priority is to become a saint and join God in heaven at the end of your life. All of the beauty in this life is just a small inkling of what we will experience when, with God’s grace, we get there; and there will be no more suffering. With God, you have created a completely new, eternal being, and he or she is a beautiful addition to Heaven.

The crucial thing to remember after you have lost your child is that they will never, ever have to suffer. He or she is now in the presence of the Almighty, experiencing only pure joy, forever. And we pray that you will be able to join them one day.

For more reading on the meaning of suffering:

Salvifici Doloris: On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering (John Paul II)

A Catholic Reflection on the Meaning of Suffering

The Book of Job

Grief is a scary thing: you don’t know how to handle your emotions and they can pull you down into a dark place where you aren’t sure you’ll ever see the light of day again. As you face the challenge of moving on after the loss of your baby, you likely have many questions that keep returning to your mind. We hope we can answer some of them here.

If you have other questions that are not discussed here, please contact us or your parish priest or pastoral associate so that you can continue to move forward in your grief.

• Does it ever get better?
• When will it get better?
• Will I forget?
• What if it happens again?
• Is this grief or depression?
• I’m actually doing okay. Is there something wrong with me?
• My husband/wife is already moving on/stuck in a rut.
• What are some things I can do as I move forward?

Does it ever get better?

Truthfully, yes, it really, truly does! We have been through this ourselves and met others who have done the same, and we would not lie to you. Right now it may feel like you will never be able to look at baby again, or stop crying at random times throughout the day or night, but please know that time really does help you heal both physically and emotionally. 

This does not mean you will forget, and it does not mean that everything will be the same. You will find a “new normal,” which might include a new compassion for others who have been through the same experience. It also means that you have lost the innocence of the subconscious “it will never happen to me” line of thought, since you were thrust into the reality of losing a baby. You will start to learn to live with that knowledge. There will still be better days and worse days. But to reiterate our point: yes, life goes on and the grief gets better.

Back to top

When will it get better?

Here is an image that Lost Innocents found that describes the answer to this perfectly:

Honestly (and unfortunately, if you wanted a direct answer), everyone heals on a different timeline because everyone lost a different child with a different partner in different circumstances.

But as we said above, it does get better; it just might change from day to day and in different places at different times. You will start to notice small milestones, such as the first time you laugh, or the first time you didn’t cry for an entire day, or the first time you didn’t tear up when you thought about your baby. The most important thing to remember is that no one else has been in your exact shoes, and therefore no one else can tell you how or how long to grieve. You might be having a good few days until you see that maternity shirt that you had bought and left in a bottom drawer. Unfortunately, you’ll never know when something will trigger your grief so you can’t prepare for it. There will be days you fall back but other days where you are completely functional and calm. A miscarriage or stillbirth is a terrible trauma to go through for both parents, and as you likely know, it will knock you down for a time. But minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, you will start to see the progression forward. And all of this is completely and totally normal.  

One last note: it can help to make plans and accomplish tasks throughout your day, even if it’s just one simple thing like showering. Don’t go overboard, because you still need to have downtime in which to process your grief, but small steps forward will make a big change over time.

Back to top

Will I forget?

No. You will not forget. You may forget small details of the time surrounding the death, but never the death or your child. As Lost Innocents put it, “Sometimes you wish you could forget, sometimes you are terrified you’ll forget.”

If you can make the time and effort, while you still remember the details surrounding your child’s life, it can be very helpful to write down everything about the pregnancy, birth, and after, then keep it somewhere so you can look back if you wish. This can allow you to avoid thinking about the negative details while knowing that if you want to remember them, you can always read this account. We encourage you to focus on the blessings you received throughout the whole experience, such as the baby’s body, the support of friends or family, and the kind gestures from strangers, such as an ultrasound technician who gave you a hug when you needed it most.

Back to top

What if it happens again?

Perhaps you have had uneventful, healthy pregnancies in the past. As we said above, your innocence is now gone and you may be quite anxious about the health of any future pregnancy. If you are struggling with the anxiety, please speak with your doctor or midwife about it and share your concerns. If you don’t have a doctor or midwife who will take you seriously, find one who will.

Most importantly, please pray! Once you have conceived, God has given you a baby, and regardless of the outcome, you are a mother and a father forever. As stressful as it may feel, try to make this baby’s life a happy time, whether for a few days or years to come.

Finally, we can’t guarantee that your pregnancy will be a healthy one, but we can pray for you, if you let us know here.

Back to top

Is this grief or depression?

(from Lost Innocents‘ “The Actual Process” under “Recovery”):

One thing that people are not told to expect is some depression. Obviously, there is the grief from losing your baby, but there are other factors at play. When you deliver, whether at 8 weeks or 40, the hormones that have been very high during pregnancy drop precipitously. This is usually referred to as “the baby blues” and if more severe or persistent, “postpartum depression.” What most people are not aware of is that women who miscarry are at as least as much risk for postpartum depression as women who deliver live babies and usually more. If you have delivered a living baby you will be distracted by the care of a newborn and you will be surrounded by balloons and flowers and congratulations. After a miscarriage you not only do not have these, but you have the added grief of pregnancy loss. Do not hesitate to get help if this is becoming a problem. Pills will not make grief go away, but you may need some support for the physical causes of depression.

Back to top

I’m actually doing okay. Is there something wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you! Be grateful that God has blessed you with a slightly easier road. There are many reasons why someone might not have as much anguish over the loss of his or her baby, and it has nothing to do with how much you loved your baby or what kind of person you are. For instance, some people miscarry before they even realize they are pregnant, and some people have other life obstacles or difficulties that make the miscarriage take a backseat. And some people, for whatever reason, just grieve more easily than others because they are more equipped to keep life’s events in perspective.

Back to top

My husband/wife is already moving on/stuck in a rut.

Everybody grieves differently, and a husband and wife are no exception. Unfortunately, many men feel that they need to be strong for their wife, or that they need to “fix” the situation and make everything better because they see the woman they love crying all day long. But fixing a miscarriage isn’t possible. The woman sees these responses as proof that her husband doesn’t think anything’s wrong, and maybe even looks down on her for feeling so grieved.

Whatever is going on in your home, whether you are the man or the woman in the relationship, please, please talk about it with your spouse. It is the best thing you can do besides pray. Many couples divorce after the death of a child, and we do not want you to become part of that statistic by refusing to be honest about what you are feeling or thinking. Make sure you don’t blame each other for anything related to the miscarriage, or the miscarriage itself. Be willing to forgive the other for not being perfect and be open to forgiveness yourself. Remember that you are working together; you are on the same team and you both went through the loss together, and need to heal from it together as well.

Much of this website can be helpful to either parent, but there are a few specific websites out there that are geared specifically toward bereaved fathers. If you think this might help you or your spouse, please visit this page. (Please be aware that some links may have information in opposition to Church teaching, and we do not endorse them, although we still believe the links provide other valuable information.)

Back to top

What are some things I can do as I move forward?

1. Pray. Pray for yourself, for strength and peace, for your spouse, for your other children, and for the child(ren) you lost. Also, ask your children to pray for you! We ask the Saints to intercede for us, and you can now ask for your child’s intercession as well, for you and your family. For other examples of prayers you could pray, look on our Prayers and Liturgics page. We also ask that you say a prayer or two for the contributors to this website and our continued ministry to those experiencing miscarriage.
2. Offer up your sufferings for the good of others, including yourself, your spouse, or any children or future children. “Offer suffering to God and it can become ‘an instrument of salvation, a path to holiness, that helps us reach Heaven'” (Pope John Paul II).
3. Have memorial services on the anniversary of your baby’s death, or attend a community or parish Mass that is offered for pregnancy and infant loss. Our babies are members of our family and it can be nice to remember them this way. If you have a grave site, visit it on the same day and encourage your other children, if any, to bring flowers to decorate the grave.
4. Perform acts of charity in memory of your child(ren). Give money, volunteer, donate items. It helps keep the connection if these are things connected with babies or children, but they don’t have to be. As an example, the Lasting Hearts project is one that a bereaved mom worked on in California, gathering donations so that books could be given away to grieving parents at their doctors’ offices.
5. Reach out to other other women and families who have suffered from the loss of a child. There are many ways to do this in your family, parish, or neighborhood. Families often feel isolated after a miscarriage, since it’s not frequently discussed in public. Be a friend to them, willing to listen. Hold hands, don’t walk away, and listen. Some other options are to bring a meal or two, have a Mass said for their family (you can do this by asking at your parish office), or treat them to a night away – anything that you felt helped you when you were in their shoes.

Back to top

If you have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or any other circumstance, you will likely have a good idea of what to say and what not to say. But if you have never had such an experience, you may not know how to help your friend or family member who is grieving. You might worry that you’ll say the wrong thing and therefore choose to avoid them, or talk but avoid the topic of their loss altogether. While someone might have good intentions by intending to avoid any additional pain by bringing the subject up, please know that we want to talk about it. We want to know that you are acknowledging our loss and are here to listen and to help support us through this difficult time.

But what can you say? What can you do?

While there is no set script as to what you need to say or do for a grieving parent, we do offer some suggestions for you below. This is not an all-inclusive list and we hope that you also take some time to visit the rest of our website to come to a better understanding of what your friend or relative is going through.

• What Not to Say
• What to Say
• What You Can Do
• After the Loss: Anniversaries
• After the Loss: A New Pregnancy

For other great resources, please see:

• BabySteps: Do’s and Don’ts  
• When Your Friend Loses Her Baby
• How to Care for a Friend (and Her Family) After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

What Not to Say

Here is a partial list of what NOT to say, taken from our friend at Lost Innocents. Most people are aware of these and other things to leave unsaid, but we hope that this is helpful for those who may not be aware of them. You may notice that many of these statements are valid; however, stating a fact does not necessarily correlate to being compassionate, even with good intentions.

Please know that while saying any of these things may cause a small amount of pain, it is always better to err on the side of saying something rather than nothing at all. If the parents feel that no one wants to talk about or remember their baby, that can be much, much more painful.

• You’ll have more children – or, alternately, you have other children. (Note: Parents still need to grieve this child.)
• It was for the best.
• There was probably something wrong with the baby.
• It was God’s will.
• Are you still upset over that?
• It could have been worse. (Note: Logically, anything could be worse, but does that really help?)
• So, are you going to try again?
• You were too old (frail, nervous, tall, short, purple) to have a baby anyway.
• At least you weren’t very far along.
• It is all part of a bigger plan.

Unfortunately, sometimes things just pop out. Everyone is human. If you accidentally said any of these statements, it is perfectly acceptable to apologize and take it back.

This podcast, “Ask Fr. Josh: Responding to Unhelpful Words of Condolence”, gives Fr. Josh’s take on this situation. Start listening at 20:34.

Back to top

What to Say

There is no magic formula to help someone in their grief. You can say, “I don’t know what to say,” or just a simple, “I’m so sorry.” The parents don’t need to have their grief “fixed;” they need to know that they are supported in their grief. You can ask them if they’d like to tell you about their pregnancy and everything that happened with the miscarriage or stillbirth, or ask if there’s any way you can help. All of these are perfectly welcome responses to a mother or father’s grief.

Often, the best response is simply silence. Let them cry. Cry with them. Let them do the talking, if they want, without trying to fix anything. Validate their feelings and the life of this child that they lost.

Of course, everyone is different. Some parents may want to talk more than others; you don’t have to encourage them to talk, but just give them the opportunity. Occasionally the parents may not want to talk to anyone, at least for a time. You can always offer your sympathy through a note, email, or phone message to let them know you are praying for them, and that you are available if they would like some company or to talk.

One more specific thought about what you can and should say. If the parents named their child, please don’t be afraid to say the baby’s name. No matter how brief the baby’s life was, he or she was dearly loved by their parents. Saying the baby’s name validates the parents’ belief that this was a real person, and that the parents had hopes and dreams for them, the same as any parent has for their child. It keeps the memories alive.

Back to top

What You Can Do

One of the simplest things you can do is send a sympathy card and give them a phone call. Even if they’re not ready to talk or see anyone, it lets them know you are there and thinking and praying for them. Flowers can also be nice.

There are a few practical things you can offer, such as bringing a meal, running to the store, or watching their other children for a time, especially if there is a hospital stay required. If you know them well, you can also offer to do housework or any chores that may be helpful. If you ask, “What can I do?”, you might get an answer, but you likely won’t, so offering something specific can be helpful for the parents who are in a fog of grief.

You may also want to treat the parents to a night or two away from home, which can give them time to process their grief and just be away from their day-to-day struggles. It could be something as simple as restaurant and theater gift certificates or something more involved, like a night or two at a hotel or bed and breakfast along with money for gas or meals out. It’s also nice to be able to offer to watch their children when they choose to get away, if you are able.

A small gift in memory of the lost child would also be appropriate. A few options could include a mothers’ necklace, or small box or plaque with the child’s name or the date of the miscarriage engraved somewhere (even on the back, if it’s something that will hang on the wall), preferably with some sort of bible verse visible. A prayer care package can be requested through Lily of the Valley Catholic Ministry. Rosaries with the child’s name can be bought here. They may also appreciate a journal where they can write the story of the pregnancy out (as well as some time away from any other children to write), or to have a Mass said for their family (you can do this by asking at your parish offices). More ideas can be found here.

If you are thinking that much of this would be out of your price range, remember that you are probably not the only person who would like to show your support. Consider getting together with other friends and family members to work out a schedule of meals, or take care of children for a few days, or combine your financial resources to purchase something bigger. Often there are many people who want to help but don’t know how they can, so you can offer them a way to contribute.

Finally, please pass along this website if you think it may be helpful to them!

Back to top

After the Loss: Anniversaries

Anniversaries, and not only the obvious ones, can be difficult for the bereaved parents. Possible anniversaries could include the original due date, the day the pregnancy was discovered, the day the baby died or was miscarried, and holidays like Christmas, Mothers’ Day, or Fathers’ Day.

A note from you on these dates stating that you are thinking about them and their lost child can be a beautiful way to let them know you are still supporting them in their grief. The parents are likely thinking of the baby they lost on these dates, even if they have been blessed with a new pregnancy by that time.

Back to top

After the Loss: A New Pregnancy

A new pregnancy after a miscarriage can be very scary for the parents. Milestones will bring back memories of the previous pregnancy and create a lot of anxiety. Try not to belittle their anxiety by saying, “It’s going to be okay.” They know now there is no guarantee that they will be able to bring their child home, alive, from the hospital. Remember to pray for them and let them know you are there to talk or be a shoulder to cry on.

Back to top

This page is intended to be a simple compilation of different prayers that could be said after a miscarriage, as well as prayers for prevention of a miscarriage while you are pregnant. There is a blessing, a novena, links to various Saints connected to miscarriage, and more. And as we’ve stated many times on this site, please also know that we are praying for our visitors.

Blessing of Parents After a Miscarriage

This is a beautiful blessing that can be done by a priest, deacon, or layperson. A priest or deacon will already have it in their book of blessings. You may view it here.

Christian Miscarriage Prayer

Father, in the name of Jesus I come to you with a broken heart because of the loss of my baby. I know that your ears are open to my prayers. I am hurting and restless and feel overwhelmed. Please rescue me out of this pit of hopelessness and fear. You know the tears that I cry and my sleepless nights. Father, I give you all my hurts, worries, and cares. I thank you that you are not finished with me yet. I will chose not to be held down by a spirit of discouragement and grief. By your grace I will stand firm and trust you. Help me to remember that others are going through the same pain as me, help me to get strong, so that with the same comfort that you comfort me with, I will be able to comfort others.

by Patty Larsen; used with permission.

Order for the Naming and Commendation of an Infant Who Died Before Birth

The Archdiocese of  St. Louis has created a rite for parents who have miscarried a child, allowing them to name their child and commend him in faith to the loving mercy of God.  You can find a pdf of the rite here.

Chaplet of Hannah’s Tears

Novena to Saints Anne and Joachim for Faith and Perseverance in Marriage and Pregnancy

Prayer for Those Experiencing Miscarriage

God, We remember all babies who have died as a result of miscarriage. We remember all mothers and fathers whose hearts are aching and arms empty, who never had a chance to love or hold their babies. We ask God’s healing to fill the void and emptiness that has been left. Amen.

by Jane Parkinson; used with permission.

Prayer for Questions and Understanding

Dear God,
People ask me how I am coping.
I’ve learned to smile in company.
I’ve learned to appear calm and even relaxed.
But this is not the real me.
It is a person that I watch going through the motions of living.
Inside, I’m still screaming, or else I’m just numb.
Sometimes the ache is so strong that my whole body is racked with pain.
The pain and the questions are often bound up together.
Why did I have to miscarry (again)?
The questions chase around inside my mind.
I feel there ought to be answers.
I feel I am owed some explanations.
Yet no explanations come, and there seems to be nowhere to go to find any.
You alone know the reasons for our loss.
Help me to accept your mysterious ways and your divine plan for me, which may differ from my human hopes and dreams.
Help us to understand that at the very heart of the universe there is not despair but hope, not evil but a God of love.
Amen.

by Jane Parkinson; used with permission.

Miscarriage Prayer

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

 You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

 I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

by Mother M. Angelica

©2012 EWTN. Used with permission.
For more Catholic prayers and additional resources, visit the EWTN website.

Prayer After the Death of a Child

Saints for Miscarriage Prevention and Healing

• Catherine of Siena (Patron Saint of Miscarriage)
• Catherine of Sweden (Patron Saint of Miscarriage)
• Eulalia (Patron Saint of Miscarriage)
• Gianna Beretta Molla (Doctor and mother who suffered two miscarriages, as well as chose the life of her last child over her own)
• Gerard Majella (Intercessions are asked of him for mothers, particularly those who are expecting)

Prayer to St. Catherine of Siena to Avoid Miscarriage